JoanneKates
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Apr 3, 2006, 10:32 AM
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Letting Go - Parents' Toughest Challenge
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By Joanne Kates
When “old-timers” who went to Camp Arowhon in the 1930’s or ‘40’s come to visit camp, they always marvel at how much like coming home it still feels, even more than half a century later. Then come the inevitable questions:
1) How’s your dad (who was director then). He’s great thanks. 91 and still running a hotel!
2) Are the kids still the same as ever? Yup.
3) How about the parents: Nope. Not even a bit.
A generation ago, parents put us on the bus for eight weeks with a kiss and a hug and that was that. We’d get the occasional letter, and a phone call on birthdays, but there was none of the hovering that we, the parents of today, engage in. In the 18 years I’ve been director of Camp Arowhon, the number of phone calls we get from parents has increased exponentially. We have parents who phone daily to check on little Johnny’s time at camp. We have parents who phone every two days….. We have more parents phoning more often than we could ever have imagined.
We also could never have imagined the depth of parental anxiety about their children. I often have the sense, when talking to camper parents, that they’re feeling scared and worried. Scared that things won’t be 100% perfect for their child at camp.
This always starts before camp, when Mom and Dad start phoning me with their “dis-requests”. As in: Don’t put my child with so-an-so. We know that kid from school….. or camp last year…… or the neighborhood, and I DON’T want my child with that child.” When I press for more info, and inquire about whether that child is toxic, a bully, or just pain annoying, nine times out of ten the parent tells me the kid is annoying. Maybe someone who has trouble making friends; maybe a bit of a cling-on; maybe a child with ADD or ADHD or LD. But almost never are they describing a mean child or a bully. Oftimes these targeted children are socially inept or otherwise awkward; sometimes they're the kid nobody likes at school, who is following them to camp.
Our tendency as parents from the "Me Generation" is sometimes to attempt to control our children's world so that they never experience distress or discomfort. At camp, we resist the notion of a "perfect" cabin because to try for that would be to deprive our children of the experience of learning tolerance, inclusion and problem solving. At Camp Arowhon we set clear expectations for how children treat each other, and we supervise them to live up to those expectations. One of the great things about camp is that we manage difficult peer situations, and use them as "teachable moments," which helps children learn problem-solving skills that will be useful to them throughout their lives - in relationships with friends, spouses, colleagues and family. This is one of the big "life-long learnables" of camp! If we give in to perfectionism in cabin composition, we lose opportunities for growth, and we give our children the false promise of a perfect world. This sounds like: "Don't worry. I'll call/write/email Joanne and tell her not to put so-and-so in your cabin." Instead of trusting us to compose positive cabin groups and to support everyone in the group to do their best and build positive relationships. That's what camp is for!
The two best new books on parenting both address the issues of “perfect parenting.” In her book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by, Wendy Mogel writes: “The current trend in parenting is to shield children from emotional or physical discomfort.” She says that parents are so busy protecting their children that “they don’t give them a chance to learn how to maneuver on their own outside home or school.”
Dan Kindlon’s book Too Much of a Good Thing, is also about my generation’s parenting style, about how we tend to hover, over-managing our children, trying to make everything right for them and by so doing depriving them of opportunities to develop character and become resourceful human beings. Summer camp is the Me Generation’s antidote to our micro-managing parenting. Kindlon, who spoke recently at a camp director’s conference I attended, believes in camp as a great place to foster children’s independence and resourcefulness.
Resourcefulness is the first casualty of over-managing our children; the other unfortunate thing we do, in Wendy Mogel’s words, is: “Wishing to prepare their children for this unknown territory, they try to armor them with a thick layer of skills by giving them lots of lessons and pressuring them to compete and excel.” The casualty of over-programming our kids is that they have trouble figuring out what they want to do, and they lose some of the capacity for good old-fashioned play.
I would hate to imply that parents have a negative influence on their children, but as a mother of two children whom I adore, I only want the best for them, and I own up to having pretty high hopes. As a parent I can’t help having an agenda for my children. Try though I might to set them free to be their own people, I confess it’s hard for me when they are less than successful, less than well-mannered. As parents we all have our lists of expectations. Giving our children time out from us, in a safe and nurturing place, allows them to discover who they want to be, and how valuable they are. When she was 12 my daughter said to me: “Mommy, you have to tell me you love me and that I’m great. But when my counselors at camp tell me that, I know it’s true.”
We raise our children anxiously in an unsafe world, and it is genuinely difficult for us to let go. We fear the bad things that can happen to children at camp: They can get abused, bullied, neglected, be just plain unhappy, have no friends. As a mother I have an insatiable appetite for information about my children. It feeds the beast inside me, the she-bear who would claw the enemy to death to defend my “babies” and who needs to know they’re safe at all times.
This is the worry-wart inside me. It’s an impulse that needs controlling! When we send our kids to a camp we’ve chosen carefully, our best parenting move is to back off and let them have their own experience. Summer camp is the ideal place for kids to take safe risks, make their own choices about what activities to do and who to hang out with, and play with their friends…. Minus mom and dad micro-managing every moment. It’s also a golden opportunity for figuring out (with great counselors helping) how to deal with annoying kids, friendships that don’t always work the way you want them to, and other frustrations and setbacks. This is what grows strong kids, kids who are growing up to be resourceful and independent. This is the great gift of summer camp.
Joanne Kates is a highly successful freelance writer in Canada and the US and is the Director of Camp Arowhon in Algonquin Park, Ontario
She is the author of Exploring Algonquin Park: The Personal and Complete Guide
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(This post was edited by JoanneKates on Apr 4, 2006, 10:55 AM)
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